Sunday, August 24, 2003

I'm still fascinated by this, two years later. I press keys and now you read this. Every countless, unrestricted one of you. My soul bared or uncovered or tapped or flashed, depending on my mood.

Right now I don't know what I'm going to write. I just know that I must. I'm up at 3:15 and I'm always tired, so there must be something I need to get out.

I tried to play some Tori Amos on the piano earlier. I did a mediocre job. I'm amazingly out of practice. I want to take lessons again. I started piano at age three and stopped taking lessons at twelve because I didn't have enough time to practice with sports and school and being social. If I hadn't stopped...

I'm house-sitting my parents house this week while they visit my newborn niece in Cincinnati. So I'm here at their house. My room has already been remodeled into a guest room. It's weird. I don't live here.

My new G5 Macintosh computer will be coming in the mail sometime in the next week or two. I'm incredibly psyched. Macs are made for creativity, so I'm excited to see what I can do with it.

I find out Monday what the hell is making me so goddamned tired.

I'm trying very hard to be completely honest with myself. To make myself aware of what I really want and what is possible and what I need to let go of. I get those moments when I feel like I want to change my life completely, to go live somewhere else and be someone else. But isn't that what college was? I've come to realize that I'm never happy where I am living. I always want to be somewhere else. Maybe there's some gypsy in me, a natural nomad. I like being in new places, but with people close to me. I need a job where I can travel a lot....and take people with me.

Being angry and being hurt feed off of and regenerate each other. If I am hurt, I'll hold it in and then get angry about it. Feeling angry about it makes me ashamed and more aware of the hurt. And when both are covered by a shell of togetherness and calm demeanor, the pressure builds.

I haven't felt the need to purge this much emotional energy in over a year.

I just want some fucking passion.

Tomorrow I will find a forest and I will take a walk deep inside and the scent of a fleeting summer will guide me back to serenity.