Wednesday, October 1, 2003

It's been a while since I posted anything in an intoxicated state of mind. I'm breaking that fast.

I drank an entire bottle of Pinot Grigio this evening for no other reason than that I felt like it. I had a rough day I suppose. Yesterday I attended the funeral of my great great aunt. I didn't know her all that well, but funerals aren't exactly stimuli for seratonin. In addition we found out that my brother's five-year-old nephew has leukemia. So today I was a little under-motivated. Add in the major-label, spoken realization that Random Play Music is much smaller than it needs to be to be competitive, and you've got the ingredients for a less than joyful day. I don't enjoy my job. I can't find the ethical motivation to spend my days bending to the needs of the ravishly rich while people starve and suffer. I don't need to join the peace corps just yet, but I need to realign myself towards something a bit more humanitarian.

What is it about sharing a bed with someone? The power of touch is unreal. You can scoff it for as long as you don't have it, but when someone who scares you (in the right way) willingly shares the space next to you as you both pass into the subconscious, into the astral planes of dreaming....it's just so valuable. You're so taken with it.

Random Play Music. It's my business. I own it, well, co-own it. Which is pretty amazing to think about objectively. But I want it to be so much more than it is. Hardship is the filter of this industry it seems. It would be so easy for me to quit this label, call it quits, and give in to my dreams of backpacking in Europe or joining some sort of bohemian progressive movement. BUT, I believe in the power of music. It has been an intrinsic part of my being for...well forever. And I CANNOT quit on these bands and the power I truly believe they possess or will possess. I must be the catalyst for their development or they will be washed aside like so many passionate dreamers branded fools by the opiated masses. This musical venture may not be a ubiquitous revolution, but it will be a revolution nonetheless.

It is so hard to actually DO the things we want to do. We're trapped by the guided notions that others know more about what we should and need to do than ourselves. The painful and joyous realization that our lives belong to no one but ourselves is both lonely and freeing. WE CAN DO WHATEVER WE PLEASE BECAUSE IT IS OUR OWN LIFE TO LIVE. But we can be left alone. But we can also be joined in harmony with like-minded people and partners who share our spiritual vision.

The tell-tale sign that I'm drunk is the incessant running of my fingers through my hair. It's less fruitfull since my recent haircut, but I'm doing it regardless. I'm up late but this sleep shall be heavy and gracious.