Friday, July 4, 2003

So I'm all independent now. I moved into a house with my two friends Josh and Charlie, I have a well-paying job with Tony Valentine Construction, I pay all my own bills, I go to bed early, I get up early. I like it....a lot. Plus having my own room and a full size bed is reason enough to make me all smiley.

I don't imagine I'm alone in this, but certain songs can instantly put me into a specific mood. For example, "Pictures of Success" by Rilo Kiley always makes me feel intellectual and oddly empowered. From the instrumental opening, I imagine circling around myself, seeing exactly where I sit in the world in context with whoever or whatever or wherever I'm thinking about. The angle widens, I feel centered, and as the song progresses and builds, my emotions develop into a sense of "I am open and ready for whatever you give to me, but I will always have somewhere better to be if I'm not fucking good enough for you." It's such a distinctly specific feeling every time I hear it, and I love it.

I haven't been able to figure out why or how, but the emotional walls I build around myself have been tapped. My eyes will fill with tears whenever an emotional trigger presents itself. I don't see them coming, I don't know why they affect me, but all of a sudden I'll be crying. It feels really weird, and I definitely feel uncomfortable even though I'm usually alone when it happens. I think I keep so many feelings bottled up because it gives me control. It's like reverse anorexia, only with emotions instead of food. Instead of limiting how much food I let into my body, I'm limiting how many emotions come out of my body. Perhaps my body is fighting back. But I'm starting to see a cycle here again...we're back to my issues of being strong for other people, that's the last conclusion I reached as to why I keep things in. If I stay strong for other people they can use me to get themselves better, but if I show weakness they might not get through it. But I know that's bullshit. I don't have to be anyone's savior. I'm NOT anyone's savior, nor will I ever be.

Hehe oh well. I'll get the answers at some point. Combine this thing with the private journal I keep as well, and I'm saving tons of money on therapy.

Also, life is full of signs, and the more you try and ignore them, the more they show up.