Monday, December 8, 2003

It's December and I'm nearly dripping in sweat. My air conditioner is on for fuck's sake. I HATE being hot. Warm is good. Hot is hell. I cannot sleep if I'm hot. I struggle to think when I'm hot. I lose patience when I'm hot. Hell will most definitely be a hot room and lots of clothes.

So I just stripped down to my boxers. But I kept on my Grinch t-shirt cos it's festive.

There was a moment tonight when I regretted my entire childhood. I know that's a broad statement, but like I said it was only for a moment. But it was intense. My ENTIRE childhood. I wanted to put a bullet through the choices I made and the places I inhabited. I've often felt that my early years were less a childhood and more of a series of cautious years waiting for adulthood.

Well here I am in adulthood and I want my childhood back. But it feels too late. I'm looking at a picture of myself at nearly 4 years old, sitting with my half-brother and half-sister. This little version of me had blonde, straight hair and big grinning eyes. I want that back. Well maybe not the hair, cos my head just wouldn't work with straight blonde hair anymore (not that curly red, brown, and black hair is the perfect alternative, but this is what I was given). But I want that mysticism, that ability to look at the world with wonder. I don't even remember what it was like. Caution kills the spirit.

Has the paradox always existed? Was there ever a time when children didn't always want to be adults and adults want to be children again? Perhaps it's a Western thing. I always get the feeling that Eastern religions teach awareness...being fully present in the present. Wanting the now in the now.

I'd dig on that. Instead of regretting the past and worrying about the future, I'd just spend my time enjoying the present.

Don't be surprised if I become a buddhist.