Saturday, May 3, 2003

I should just start a website called www.drunkenthoughts.com....because that is what this has seemingly become.

So yeah, you guessed it, I'm drunk again. Being 2 weeks away from graduating college seems to be encouraging this kind of behavior.

I'm sleepy, I'm horny, and I'm slightly emotional. I looked at girls at the bar tonight and created momentary backstories for them for the moments I spent looking at them. It made me feel better about imagining what it would be like to fall asleep with them in my arms.

I'd love to spend a day as a girl, attracted to guys. Because I'd really like to know whether they (girls) are as utterly infatuated with us (guys) as we are with them.

So I want to take a painting class. It's something I've always wanted to do. I feel like I have some sort of innate artistic ability, I just don't have the necessary direction it takes to visually create.

Sometimes I have dreams that intellectually exist somewhere between conscious and subconscious and when I wake from them I find myself in a crushing state of limbo where I vainly struggle to connect the two. It's the dichotomy of life and dreams, of making what you inherently know and what you presently feel, the same.

I think everyone can agree with me that it is a strange feeling to feel the physical distance in a room with someone who, at one time, you were physically connected to. It's truly an example of what time FEELS like. You can actually feel the distance of time that has passed since you were NEXT to that person.

In a very sanguine way, I'm looking at every feeling I have (positive or negative) as a reminder that I am alive. These are the things that keep my going, the FEELINGS. It's like how I used to smoke because it reminded me that I had something left to kill, and therefore something left alive. You may consider that to have been juvenile or senseless, but we've all got our things that keep us going. That was one of mine.