Sunday, April 21, 2002

I don't think I've fully comprehended how my role as Orin in Mourning Becomes Electra has affected me. I put so many hours into this production in both rehearsal and personal preparation. The way I act is by getting inside the character and finding things in my life that apply so that I can have a basis of understanding through which I can accurately portray what this character feels. I'm beginning to think that perhaps I got a little too much inside of this character. Some people told me that my portrayal was so real, that it was frightening. I suppose I should have noticed this when I began having dreams and nightmares that coincided with the events of the play.
The play is over now, and I am returning to the events of my life that I enjoyed/endured previously, with more time on my hands. However, I am feeling somewhat haunted (which is eerie because the play deals so much with haunting) by Orin and his psychiatric makeup. I've found myself with a greatly shortened temper, and my voice has become harsh at times when I did not intend it to be. I am fearful that I may unintentionally hurt others around me without even noticing it. But that brings me to another thought I have been pondering. I internalize most every conflict in my life. I am often at peace externally with everyone I come in contact with. However, inside, there is anger and bitterness brewing that sometimes borders on hatred. I often cannot find an appropriate outlet for these feelings for I find that I cannot cry (though I may want to), and though music soothes me, I cannot create the kind of music I yearn to make in order to release these emotions. Writing helps, I have not done enough of it lately (due to a lack of free time). This is why I am writing now. I would like to paint, and I believe I will this summer. Anyway, I feel as though there is an internal battle being fought within me. The yin and yang of selfishness and selflessness has become imbalanced. The selfish side has been pushed aside while the selfless side has taken hold and become the primary component of my personality and mentality. But the selfish side has been brewing with contempt like an ignored child. Instead of lying dormant, the selfish side has grown silently strong, and I feel that through this play, it has been able to surface itself, if only superficially at first. Now I, neutrally realizing that this is unfolding within me, feel uncertain as to whether the selfish side, having quietly built itself strong and angry, will overpower the selfless side so much as to make me become unfeeling to nearly all but that which satisfies my own desires. I have felt it begin, and I find myself in periods of pure disinterest and disaffection towards those around me. And this truly maddens me, because I feel that disaffection is a disease. It is a disease that rids you of the ability to experience passion and beauty; instead you feel only emptiness and ugliness which cover you with an evil blanket of synthetic warmth.
I am in an interesting place in my life, finding myself surrounded with signs commanding me to take control of my life. I am going to do it. And though I cannot have the selfish in control, it must be present to balance me. If I stay selfless I will wither. If I become selfish I will become (self-)destructive. I must have both. I must have the yin and yang.

For the first time in my life I am willing to say that I am an incredible person. INCREDIBLE. I am proud of myself and not afraid to say so. It's wonderful. The balance is coming....